Yep, it’s time for that break up post.
There are some things that happen that I absolutely can not wait to share with you all. I write notes about them in my phone and when I sit down to write the thoughts and words come easy. They flow and bring me joy to share and hopefully bring some of you joy to read as well.
This post is different. I’ve thought of different ways I could write this post over the past month or so- thinking of metaphors or pretty words to make the situation seem more blog-able, but in the end I feel like it’s best to just say what’s on my heart.
In moving to Chicago, I knew most of what I was getting into. I knew everything would be new- the job, grad school, the city, my friends. But I thought I’d be going through this with a partner. A partner I had counted on for a long time and I knew I could depend on regardless of what new things life threw at me.
As I’m sure you’ve been able to guess by now, D and I are no longer together. To keep things in both of our best interests, I’m not going to lay out the details, but I now know that I will be much better on my own than with him. Of course I am hurt and sad to say the least, but keeping busy has been the best thing I could do.
I still feel that Chicago is where I am supposed to be. I still want to be here, do TFA, and thrive.
In the weeks that have passed, I’ve of course heard advice from all types of sources. Many have said that I’m too trusting, too loving, give too much. I’m told that this is something I should work on, should change; a fault, of sorts. Maybe they are right that living this way will inevitably lead to more heartbreak. However, I will never apologize for loving too much.
I have opened my heart and with arms spread welcomed in lovers and friends with everything I had. I’ve experienced the pure joy and peace that only real love can bring.
And I’ve been hurt. Oh, I’ve been hurt.
I’ve let myself be hurt by those who had no business being anywhere near my heart. And I’ve had my heart torn wide open by the knives of those who once loved me deeply. I’ve given pieces of my soul to men who would rather leave than learn that I, too, was human and imperfect. Men who didn’t realize that they weren’t yet whole, either.
My trust has been broken and my heart has been worn and tattered. I know that heartbreak is worse than it sounds.
And yet- I will still rise every time I am thrown down by a former love.
This new start is the best thing that could happen right now. This life is fulfilling, and I am full of joy as I begin my teaching career and love on all these little souls.
And I will open my bruised heart just as wide again and love with everything in me. Not in naivety, but with the knowledge that that pain exists, and will likely find me again.
Good love is worth that pain.
Love is what drives me.