Monthly Archives: August 2013

Tomorrow.

(Bare with me here, I’m on some cold meds and my mind isn’t quite at peak performance, but I feel the need to write this out tonight. Every teacher in my school is sick right now, yuck! We all shared the same germs, I suppose!)

Wow, is it the end of summer already? I guess it is, and I guess that’s why my mind and body feel so confused. I know it’s not news to anyone to hear that post-grad life is hard and confusing when you don’t know what exactly you’re supposed to be doing with your life.

Tomorrow is my last day of teaching my kiddos.

Tomorrow is move in day at Agnes Scott College for the new first-years. The new yellow class. The class that will take over what we left behind.

My heart feels like I belong there. Like that’s still the life I get to live. But it’s not. I am not supposed to be there as Orientation Council to help move in the new class. I’m not supposed to be returning for another year of classes at my beloved Agnes. I’m not supposed to be settling into Rebekah 304 with Maddie (even though I totally would still want to do this part).

This is a new phase of my life.

I don’t get to go back to that life.

And though it seems a bit silly and pretty obvious to type it out, it doesn’t feel obvious. I feels a lot harder than I expected. Giving up what I knew and thrived in has been harder than I thought it would be, simply because I didn’t realize that graduating meant living a new life. Agnes Scott will always be an important part of my life, but that’s not my life anymore.

I am no longer a college student. I am no longer a student at Agnes Scott. That’s not what my life is anymore.

I know this is getting repetitive, but I’m trying to find a way to put into words what I’ve been feeling. I’m failing, clearly, but I feel…

I still feel like a college student. I still feel too young to have already been through and graduated from college. I feel like I’m not quite ready. But then again, life doesn’t wait until your ready.

It just comes along, happens, and passes all before you know it.

However, I feel confident in my ability to take on whatever challenge and adventure comes next. Having attended Agnes Scott makes me feel ready to take on the world, albeit one day at a time. And maybe I don’t feel quite like I’m supposed to twenty-something just yet, but I feel like I have the foundation to face this life head on, and work hard to figure out what comes next.

Today.

Image

 

Today, as my students were hiking this hill, cheering each other on, sweating together, struggling together, and laughing together, other children were huddled in back bathrooms on a lock down.

Today, as my students were triumphantly smiling for more pictures and making “muscle man” poses, the only cameras others saw were news cameras.

Today, as my children ran freely in a park, played innocently in the lawn and on the playground, others faced fear and danger.

Today, I am again reminded of how blessed I have been to work in a place that is, so far, considered safe. I am blessed to not have had major security problems. I am blessed that I can field trip days like today. I am blessed that my students are all safe.

However, my school has similar safety and security procedures as this one and it reminds me just how uncertain each day can be.

I will hug each of my students a little tighter tomorrow as they come in, and we will review lock down procedures once more tomorrow.

Though my time with my students ends on Friday, their safety will forever be important.

Every student’s safely will forever be important. My heart is heavy for the children in Decatur that had to go through what they did today and that people still think it is okay to do things like this in schools. I am thankful that no one was injured.

I am thankful. I am blessed.

These children fill my heart and sometimes break it.

In which, teaching will show you the best and worst sides of humanity.

Today, after nap time when the little ones came out of their room to join my class in our “transition games” before snack and splitting back up, one of our girls was just having a hard time waking up. She so very sweetly came up to me, rubbing her eyes, telling me she missed her mommy. Sweet child. As I comforted her, she (quite sneakily) climbed into my lap and snuggled right in.

Let me tell you, sometimes 30 minutes holding a sweet 4 year old will just fill your heart and soul and with so much love and hope for this world. When her mom picked her up she was still snuggled in my lap, and as she got up she hugged me tighter and told me she loved me. If that’s not enough to make a person smile, I just don’t know what is.

On the other side:

I was chatting with one of my students close to the time he was to be picked up when he mentioned he was hungry. I replied with the usual for these kids “It’s almost time to go home and then it’ll be dinner time! Getting close!”

Instead of the usual reply of “Oooooookaaay.” I got, “Oh, we don’t have dinner at my house“.

Broke. My. Heart. I know I can’t do it every day, but you best believe I made the kid a sandwich to eat. I hate that this student isn’t the only one going without food at home. I hate that some of my students go home to abuse, or neglect, or fighting. I hate that I can’t magically make all their troubles go away every time I hear things like this. I just have to keep telling myself that I’m doing the best I can, I suppose.

And I am. I am an adult they can count on. I am one they can trust. I am one they know loves and cares for them. I am one they can turn to when they are hurt.

I will be the best I can for these kids. I know it’s all I can really do.

Overall, I love this job, and I love what I am able to do for these children. I often wish I could do so much more, but I know I am doing what I am meant to for now.

Adulting!

My goodness!

So remember how last time I wrote I said I had decided to stay in Idaho for about another year while living with my parents to save $$ and go to school and such?

Well, I’m back on the fence. I still want to stay, but I just don’t know that I can make it another year. In a few weeks, when my summer teaching session ends, I’m planning a trip for a few weeks back to Atlanta so I can see how life could be there. I need this trip! I miss the city and my friends desperately, and need to do some serious appreciation of the boyfriend.

BUT! I am currently working on job applications like crazy closer to my parents, which is making my head spin. As much as I know I need to get a job there, I know my heart isn’t in these applications because I really would rather find a fabulous job in Atlanta that could convince me to move back there. I have one last application out in Atlanta that I’m not counting on, but I am certainly hoping for! It’s one I’ve wanted for a while, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

In other news, adulting is hard. Is that really news though?

This week, my car got hit. In. My. School. Parking. Lot.
Meaning it was the parent of one of my students. Disappointing, seeing as they all know it’s my car. In my head, all people were honest enough to leave a note if they hit someone’s car. Or say something. Something. But no. It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things but it totally threw my week off. I’m fine, my car still runs, no harm done (except a big dent). So  getting that fixed will be…interesting.

My debit card expired. My new one was sent to my parents house. Meaning this week I’ve been without a way to spend money. Again, not a big deal, just inconvenient. I’ll get it this weekend when they visit.

Actually, now that I think of it, maybe that was a good thing, ha!

Anyway, people sometimes suck and money is better saved.

Now, I MUST get back to this pile of laundry. My parents are coming down to visit this weekend and I would hate for them to think I’m struggling as much as I am. They have enough to worry about without worrying about the cleanliness of my apartment!

PS- For the record- it’s clean, just cluttered!